Why Jesus was a zombie

I have reason to believe that when Jesus Christ resurrected from the dead he was in fact a zombie. Jesus died on the cross and rose from the dead after three days (well kind of three days). This event is called Passover or Easter. After death, Jesus walked the Earth and what followed was a blossoming of the Catholic religion. Have we been idealizing and following the stories of a real life zombie? To discuss this theory I must first describe what a zombie is.

 

What the hell is a zombie?

There have been many adaptations of zombies throughout the years with an increase in popularity in the last decade.  It’s hard to not hear about zombies these days. There have been books, comic books, movies and TV shows all about these mystical creatures. The oldest movie I can think of that involved zombies was the movie, ‘Night of the Living Dead’; I am not counting any movies involving mummies. The Night of the Living Dead was made in 1968 starting an African American actor, which was a big deal at the time. The zombies were extremely slow moving and the only way to kill them was to remove the head or destroy the brain. This introduced one of the main features about zombie as they can only be killed a certain way. This feature about zombies has been kept the same in all adaptations since then, but other features have varied slightly depending on what story is being told.

In most zombie adaptations, a zombie outbreak is due to a virus or chemical that changes the human or other animal’s brains. The human aspect is gone and what remains is a killing machine that only wants to eat humans. This starts out with a person or group of people being exposed to the virus or chemical at a high dose and will kill the people and ‘turn’ them into zombies. Another person can become infected with the zombie virus by coming into contact with the zombie’s blood, saliva, or other bodily fluids……….I know what you are thinking and I would not suggest having sex with a zombie. In most cases a zombie will bite a person and if their brain is not destroyed by either hungry zombies or a friend putting you out of your misery, that person will ‘turn’ into a zombie. Other times a person can be infected if a zombie scratches you deep enough or if some kind of ‘bodily fluid’ from a zombie gets into any cuts, wounds, or other exposed areas. In the movie ‘28 Days Later’ a man is infected by zombie blood dropping into his eye. On the other hand, ‘The Walking Dead’ comic book shows the governor kissing his zombie daughter (without teeth) and gets the zombie’s blood in his mouth, which does not infect him. See? Each adaptation is different.

‘Turning’ into a zombie has also varied between adaptations. If you are ‘bitten’ by a zombie and still live, it’s only a matter of time before you turn into a zombie.  That aspect has been the same throughout, but what is inconsistent are people ‘turning’ into zombies by how they died. In one case, if you died by natural means before the zombie outbreak or by a human without being ‘bitten’ by a zombie you are dead and will not come back as a zombie. Other adaptations have the already dead coming back to life when exposed to the virus, as seen in ‘Return of the Living Dead’ and ‘The Walking Dead’.  I would suggest if a zombie apocalypse breaks out that if you see anyone die without a zombie ‘bite’ mark, put a bullet in their skull for safe measure. You don’t want them coming back as a zombie and ruining your day. I would not worry about the dead buried in a coffin six feet under. They have been decaying by natural means for years and wouldn’t have the strength to break through the coffin and dig out six feet of dirt. You never know though, so keep away from graveyards as well.

A common misconception about zombies is they are all extremely slow and stupid, like in ‘The Night of the Living Dead’.  Not all zombies fit this description. Some zombie adaptations have zombies able to run (or sprint) to find and eat their prey. In ’28 Days (and Weeks) Later’ the zombies are infected with a virus similar to rabies. Instead of a slow stupid zombie, they became rage machines that will sprint at you to beat your face in and eat you at the same time. There is even a scene in the movie that shows that the zombies have intelligences. A zombie is tied up and is freed by the hero in the movie. When the zombie runs into him later they have a stare down and the zombie recognizes him as the man who freed him and instead runs past him to eat someone else. This is not the only instant where zombies are able to run or show intelligence. In the movie ‘World War Z’ zombies are shown to be able to sprint to their prey and recognize who is and isn’t infected with a deadly disease. In ‘I Am Legend’ zombies are shown to be able to climb, jump, and run to their pray as well as being relatively intelligent. The leader zombie in ‘I Am Legend’ had his wife zombie kidnapped by Will Smith and the leader is on a mission to get her back. Although he is unable to verbally communicate with Will Smith, he is still able to communicate with him by illustrating his wife’s butterfly tattoo. I think this is only in the alternative ending version though, but it is a much better ending then Will Smith running at the zombies with a grenade, so I’m considering it to be canon.

The movie ‘Warm Bodies’ is the only movie I have seen that shows the perspective of one of the zombies. In the beginning of the movie it has our main zombie, R, explain his situation he is in. This shows that a zombie could have a form of intelligence, but are unable to communicate in an understandable language.  This is the first movie to explain why zombies crave human brains and the second time a zombie is converted back into a human; ‘I am Legend’ being the first. During R’s transformation back into a human, he is even able to move more freely and able to communicate more effectively. It is unknown if the zombie Will Smith converted back into a human is able to communicate more effectively or is able to move more freely since it is never shown. I am not counting the ‘Resident Evil’ series on zombies turning back into humans, because they only have an antivirus serum which only works on individuals who have been ‘bitten’ and have not turned into a zombie yet. The antivirus serum is unable to convert a zombie back into a human, so it doesn’t count.

There is a wide range of zombie differences throughout the years, but there are similarities that all zombie stories share. The first similarity is the only way to kill a zombie is destroying the brain or the brain stem (hacking off a zombie’s head). All zombies also have an original zombie and infect other humans usually by ‘biting’ another person. A person who is infected with the zombie virus will eventually ‘resurrect’ as another zombie. The time it takes a person to ‘turn’ into a zombie varies from instantaneous to a few hours or a couple days, but eventually they will turn into a zombie.  As a zombie they have a craving for flesh (usually human flesh) and will continuously eat to attempt to satisfy their hunger.  Zombies have a unique ability to know who is and who isn’t a zombie and will only eat living flesh. So how could the most iconic man in history, Jesus Christ, actually be a zombie?

 

Jesus was a zombie?

For a few years now, on Easter people will say, “Happy zombie day” instead of wishing everyone a happy Easter. This shows that I am not the only one out there who suspects that Jesus could have been a real life zombie. The main suspicion people have of accusing Jesus of being a zombie is his resurrection from the dead, which is a zombie’s bread and butter. I am going to explain why I personally believe Jesus could have been a zombie and I’m sure many religious readers will be upset with me and disagree with everything I’m about to say. I will be going into the death of Jesus, his resurrection from the dead and his forty days on earth after his resurrection.

I cannot argue on how Jesus died. He was tortured, put on a crucifix for hours and then stabbed in the side by a spear. If you want a more detailed version of Jesus’ death watch ‘The Passion of the Christ’ and see how utterly brutal his death was. I want to make note that the brain was not destroyed in Jesus’ death. His head was cut and scrapped by the crown of thorns he was forced to wear, but it did not damage his brain. After Jesus’ death, his body was placed into a stone tomb that was sealed by a large boulder. Now is where things get interesting.

It is said that Jesus was dead for three days and then resurrected from the dead occurred on the third day. This isn’t exactly true. He died on Friday night and was ‘found’ to be alive on early Sunday morning. By the time Jesus was ‘found’ to be back from the dead, about thirty-four hours have passed by (and that is being generous).  Also, I want to emphasize that Jesus was ‘found’ to be alive on Sunday morning. This does not mean he was alive before then and just stayed in the tomb for a while before leaving. As noted above it can vary when a person is converted into a zombie and nobody knows how long it took Jesus to come back from the dead. It is possible that Jesus left the tomb earlier than Sunday morning and roamed around for a bit. Maybe he was looking for a ‘bite’ of food.  If Jesus was a zombie and lost physical strength he wouldn’t be able to move the boulder himself and needed assistance. Nobody saw the tomb being opened. What if other individuals opened the tomb and found Jesus to be alive……… and hungry for human flesh. This could be the reason why there weren’t any witnesses to the tomb being opened. I also have to mention that there was a guard placed by Jesus’ tomb when he was buried, but I could not find any record of what happened to the guard. Was he a midnight snack perhaps?

At this point the tomb is open, by one way or another, on Sunday morning and was discovered with Jesus being absent in the tomb. Jesus later appeared to the women who discovered the tomb to tell the disciples he was back from the dead. Why didn’t Jesus go to the disciples himself? Was he too weak and could only walk at a much slower pace due to his decaying remains? When Jesus met the women and the disciples for the first time they did not recognize him. This baffles me because if he did resurrect himself from death why didn’t they recognize him at first? They believe he looked like a gardener at first, you know a guy who works in dirt all day. Did they believe this because Jesus’ body was starting to decay and appeared to be dirty? Peter did a speech fifty days later saying that he did not see decay on Jesus after seeing him for the first time after his resurrection. How could Peter claim there was no decay present and still think Jesus to be a gardener at first sight. Could Peter be covering up?

Even though Peter said no decay was present there were still a considerable amount of wounds on Jesus that would kill a person in minutes. Jesus was nailed to the cross through his wrists (NOT HIS HANDS) and feet and was stabbed in the side with a spear. He still had these wounds when he first talked to his disciples. Thomas doubted that it was Jesus until he put his fingers through the holes in Jesus’ wrists and feet and put his fist in side where he was stabbed. If Jesus was truly ‘alive’ how the hell could those wounds not kill him again in mere minutes? On top of that it’s been stated that Jesus was still able to ‘eat’ despite his intestines being significantly damaged from a spear wound.

When Jesus had Thomas put his hand in his side he told Thomas, “Do not be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades (Hell)”. Let’s analyze this. Jesus says he is the first and last and he was dead, but not anymore. Did he imply that he was the first and last zombie? He also mentioned that he will be alive for ever and ever. Is he implying he is immortal? Most religious individuals will interpret that as living forever in the kingdom of heaven, or something like that. But he specifically says I’m alive for ever and ever. Alive means you walk on this earth following the normal rules of life. An immortal is one who is alive and cannot die. Jesus is not saying he cannot die again but saying that you can live forever if allowed to. Zombies in most cases are able to ‘live’ until they either starve to death or decay. Given the right conditions a zombie could live for ever and ever.

After the resurrection Jesus was on earth for another forty days and then it is said he ascended into heaven. The details how he ascended into heaven are very vague and do not explain how he actually accomplished this task. Maybe he eventually died from starvation because he refused to eat human flesh, like in ’28 Weeks later’. Maybe the zombie side was taking over and his disciples decided to finish him off by destroying his brain. Who knows?

Peter described Jesus’ resurrection by saying, “He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit”. In biblical terms the ‘Spirit’ is known as the Holy Ghost or Spirit, but maybe what made Jesus alive again was not the Holy Ghost but instead a substance found in the tomb. The tomb could have held any number of viruses, bacteria, molds, or fungi. What if by placing Jesus in the tomb his body got infected with a zombie virus and made him alive again. Many might disagree with me, but Jesus was NOT the first person to rise from the grave. Many Egyptian pharaohs rose from the dead after being buried………. in a tomb. What if the same kind of virus or fungus that infected Jesus that allowed him to rise from the dead infected Egyptian pharaohs? Geographically Egypt and Israel are not that far away from each other and a virus could have infected the entire area very easily. Could it be possible that Jesus knew about this beforehand and made sure he was buried in a specific tomb? Jesus also brought back Lazarus from the dead after he was buried in a tomb. Did Jesus know that if he exposed Lazarus to the virus in a tomb that he would come back to life?

All this is hypothetical. I do not have any substantial proof to claim that Jesus was in fact a real life zombie. No one has yet to make (or found) a virus that allows humans to come back to life after death. I personally do not believe everything the Bible says is true so there might not have been a Jesus Christ. But if he did exist and he did resurrect from death then he must have been a walking zombie according to my definition. He might not have infected anyone else as a zombie or he did start biting people and the disciples omitted that section from their gospels. I do not know how Jesus became a zombie and how he became infected. Maybe the Holy Ghost is the zombie plague. If Jesus was real and walked this earth, then I’m probably going to hell for writing this and posting it on Easter Sunday.

 

Happy Zombie Day Everyone!!!